By Oscar Murillo
Ah yes, Crown Jewel. The Wrestlemania-quality event that nobody seems to really care about. Maybe because it’s a Thursday afternoon? Maybe because it’s in Saudi Arabia? Maybe because it’s paid for with royal oil money? I don’t know, but this is the first time I’m watching any Crown Jewel. Let’s check out the card:
Roman Reigns (c) vs. Brock Lesnar, Universal Champion Championship This match was supposed to main event Wrestlemania 36 but the Saudis get it instead. This match could really go either way but these guys and Paul Heyman are three of the GOATS. Prediction: The viewer Big E (c) vs. Drew McIntyre, WWE Championship In the words of my five year old son, "If I ever saw the worst wrestler ever, Big E would be even worse." We're an anti-Big E household after that line. Prediction: Drew McIntyre Goldberg vs. Bobby Lashley (No Holds Barred) Are Jews even allowed to wrestle in Saudi Arabia? Prediction: Bobby Lashley Edge vs. Seth Rollins (Hell in a Cell) I'm leaning towards the guy fifteen years his opponent's junior and without the spinal surgery. Prediction: Seth Freakin' Rollins RK-Bro vs. AJ Styles & Omos, WWE Raw Tag Team Championship There's a good chance Matt Riddle will be arrested, jailed and whipped for possession upon landing in Saudi Arabia. Prediction: AJ Styles & Omos Mansoor vs. Mustafa Ali As if the only Saudi on the roster is going to lose. Prediction: Mansoor Doudrop vs. Zelina Vega, Queen's Crown Tournament Finals Zelina weights eight pounds. Prediction: The fat chick Finn Balor vs. Xavier Woods, King of the Ring Finals Please send Finn back to NXT. Prediction: Finn doesn't make an entrance with his gay cheerleaders
Nine matches and only one is a woman’s match? Nice. Maybe Saudi Arabia isn’t so bad after all. The rest of the show looks good too. I’m especially looking forward Brock vs Roman. Prediction: Nobody mentions Saudi ties to 9/11
Oscar Murillo is a casual wrestling fan who has the internet and is therefore an expert on all things wrestling.