Trapped in Kayfabe: Crown Jewel 2021

By Oscar Murillo

Ah yes, Crown Jewel. The Wrestlemania-quality event that nobody seems to really care about. Maybe because it’s a Thursday afternoon? Maybe because it’s in Saudi Arabia? Maybe because it’s paid for with royal oil money? I don’t know, but this is the first time I’m watching any Crown Jewel. Let’s check out the card:

Roman Reigns (c) vs. Brock Lesnar, Universal Champion Championship

This match was supposed to main event Wrestlemania 36 but the Saudis get it instead. This match could really go either way but these guys and Paul Heyman are three of the GOATS. Prediction: The viewer

Big E (c) vs. Drew McIntyre, WWE Championship

In the words of my five year old son, "If I ever saw the worst wrestler ever, Big E would be even worse." We're an anti-Big E household after that line. Prediction: Drew McIntyre

Goldberg vs. Bobby Lashley (No Holds Barred)

Are Jews even allowed to wrestle in Saudi Arabia? Prediction: Bobby Lashley

Edge vs. Seth Rollins (Hell in a Cell)

I'm leaning towards the guy fifteen years his opponent's junior and without the spinal surgery. Prediction: Seth Freakin' Rollins

RK-Bro vs. AJ Styles & Omos, WWE Raw Tag Team Championship

There's a good chance Matt Riddle will be arrested, jailed and whipped for possession upon landing in Saudi Arabia. Prediction: AJ Styles & Omos

Mansoor vs. Mustafa Ali

As if the only Saudi on the roster is going to lose. Prediction: Mansoor

Doudrop vs. Zelina Vega, Queen's Crown Tournament Finals

Zelina weights eight pounds. Prediction: The fat chick

Finn Balor vs. Xavier Woods, King of the Ring Finals

Please send Finn back to NXT. Prediction: Finn doesn't make an entrance with his gay cheerleaders


Nine matches and only one is a woman’s match? Nice. Maybe Saudi Arabia isn’t so bad after all. The rest of the show looks good too. I’m especially looking forward Brock vs Roman. Prediction: Nobody mentions Saudi ties to 9/11

Read The Dirtsheets, a dark comedy pro wrestling graphic novel, on Amazon Kindle or paperback

Oscar Murillo is a casual wrestling fan who has the internet and is therefore an expert on all things wrestling.

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Trapped in Kayfabe: Money in the Bank 2021

Following last month’s weak pay-per-view, WWE is rebounding with Money in the Bank. It looks like a good show. My picks for each match:

Money in the Bank 2021

Bobby Lashley (c) vs. Kofi Kingston - WWE Championship

Bobby is jacked. Real jacked. Kofi has muscles that go inward. Prediction: The savior of western civilization, Bobby Lashley

Roman Reigns (c) vs. Edge - Universal Championship

Roman is the best in the world and Edge is pushing 50. Sorry, Edge. Prediction: The Big Dog

Women's Money in the Bank Match

I really wish Alexa Bliss didn't wear that creepy makeup. Save that for one of the ugly chicks. Asuka needs to ditch the green paint too. Prediction: Alexa Bliss

Men's Money in the Bank Match

This has match of the night potential. I like a lot of these wrestlers and Kevin Owens is always eager to kill himself when tall things are around. Matt Riddle is really growing on me too. Prediction: Big E

Rhea Ripley (c) vs. Charlotte Flair - Raw Women's Championship

I'll be putting my kids to bed during this match. Prediction: My daughter refuses to brush her teeth and manages to break something.

AJ Styles & Omos (c) vs. The Viking Raiders - Raw Tag Team Championship

I've only seen Omos wrestle once (the night they won the belts). He's definitely a spectacle to look at but he moved like The Great Khali. Ok, maybe not that bad but hopefully he steps up his game. I'll be pissed if he makes AJ lose the belt. It's impossible to root against AJ. Prediction: AJ Styles & Omos

Rey & Dominik Mysterio (c) vs. The Usos - Smackdown Tag Team Championship

The Usos are legit and Dominik hasn't been a to gym despite being groomed for the position he's in. Prediction: The Usos

MITB will be the first show in a long time to have a live audience and a rowdy crowd can make a bad show entertaining. Even if the matches are lackluster, the audience will make it fun. I’m really looking forward to this show. Prediction: The crowd is the star.

Read The Dirtsheets, a dark comedy pro wrestling graphic novel, on Amazon Kindle or paperback

Oscar Murillo is a casual wrestling fan who has the internet and is therefore an expert on all things wrestling.