Tag: Professional Wrestling

Trapped in Kayfabe: Elimination Chamber 2023

By Cornelius Cruise

WWE heads into communist territory for the Elimination Chamber pay per view. Predictions:

Bobby Lashley vs. Brock Lesnar

Nobody can beat Brock Lesnar. Not even the guy that got Donald Trump elected President. Sorry, Bobby. Prediction: We see at least 10 spears 

Edge & Beth Phoenix vs. Finn Balor & Rhea Ripley

If I wanted to watch men and women compete against eachother, I would watch college swimming instead. Mixed matches are dumb. Prediction: Edge

Raquel Rodriguez vs Liv Morgan vs. Nikki Cross vs. Asuka vs. Natalya, Elimination Chamber Match (Raw Womens Contendership)

This entire match should be replaced with a five minute Carmella vs Liv Morgan match. Prediction: It's better than this year's Rumble but worse than a Bra-and-Panties Match.

Austin Theory (c) vs. Seth Rollins vs. Johnny Gargano vs. Bronson Reed vs. Damian Priest vs. Montez Ford, Elimination Chamber Match (United States Championship)

Never heard of Bronson Reed before, but he can't be as annoying as Montez Ford. Prediction: Austin Theory

Roman Reigns vs. Sami Zayn, Undisputed WWE Universal Championship


Montreal is going to love Sami. They're also going to hate when Roman spears him in half. Suck it, Canada. Prediction: Big Dog retains

It’s hard to get excited about a card without Gunther but Bobby/Brock and Sami/Roman could save the show. The crowd will be wild for Zayn, but watching Reigns piss off a bunch of Godless commies will be hilarious. Prediction: I sleep better than Sami Zayn tonight.

Read The Dirtsheets, a dark comedy pro wrestling graphic novel, on Amazon Kindle or paperback

Cornelius Cruise has the internet and is therefore an expert on professional wrestling.

Trapped in Kayfabe: All Out 2021

by Michael Cruz

My picks for AEW All Out:

CM Punk vs. Darby Allin

Punk hasn't wrestled in seven years(!) but he was the best the world. Darby Allin only weighs about 17 pounds. Prediction: CM Punk

Kenny Omega (c) vs. Christian Cage - AEW World Championship

Kenny is too good. Christian is too old. Prediction: Kenny Omega

Dr. Britt Baker (c) vs. Kris Statlander - AEW Women's World Championship


As a Pittsburgher, I'm compelled to like to Britt Baker. Prediction: Britt Baker

The Young Bucks (c) vs. Lucha Bros - AEW World Tag Team Championship, Steel Cage Match


This will be the best match of the night. The Lucha Bros are awesome, but crazy. Too crazy for their own good. Prediction: The Young Bucks

Paul Wight vs. QT Marshall

I don't watch enough to know who QT Marshall is. Regardless, Wight is literally a giant. Prediction: The Big Show.

Jon Moxley vs. Satoshi Kojima

Again, never heard of Satoshi Kojima. Apparently he's Japanese. America first. Prediction: Mox

Chris Jericho vs. MJF, Final Fight

So if MJF wins, Chris Jericho leaves the company. As much as I like Y2J, I think MJF has some dirty tricks up his scarf. Prediction: MJF

Miro (c) vs. Eddie Kingston - TNT Championship

Eddie is likely to pass out from listening to Miro's pyro. Prediction: Miro

Matt Hardy Private Party vs. The Best Friends and Jurassic Express

My son is obsessed with dinosaurs, so Luchasaurus and Jungle Boy are his favorite wrestlers right now. I like The Best Friends. After all, how can you not like a couple of dudes who are best friends living the dream? Prediction: Jungle Boy ftw

Women's Casino Royale

On AEW's advertisement for this match, they feature 19 women and one dude pretending to be a woman front and center. lol. Prediction: I change the channel.
one of these is not like the others

AEW always puts on a good pay per view. The crowd during Punk’s match will be nuts. Prediction: Tonight will be fun.

Read The Dirtsheets, a dark comedy pro wrestling graphic novel, on Amazon Kindle or paperback

Michael Cruz is a casual wrestling fan who has the internet and is therefore an expert on all things wrestling.


Trapped in Kayfabe: Money in the Bank 2021

by Michael Cruz

Following last month’s weak pay-per-view, WWE is rebounding with Money in the Bank. It looks like a good show. My picks for each match:

Money in the Bank 2021

Bobby Lashley (c) vs. Kofi Kingston - WWE Championship

Bobby is jacked. Real jacked. Kofi has muscles that go inward. Prediction: The savior of western civilization, Bobby Lashley

Roman Reigns (c) vs. Edge - Universal Championship

Roman is the best in the world and Edge is pushing 50. Sorry, Edge. Prediction: The Big Dog

Women's Money in the Bank Match

I really wish Alexa Bliss didn't wear that creepy makeup. Save that for one of the ugly chicks. Asuka needs to ditch the green paint too. Prediction: Alexa Bliss

Men's Money in the Bank Match

This has match of the night potential. I like a lot of these wrestlers and Kevin Owens is always eager to kill himself when tall things are around. Matt Riddle is really growing on me too. Prediction: Big E

Rhea Ripley (c) vs. Charlotte Flair - Raw Women's Championship

I'll be putting my kids to bed during this match. Prediction: My daughter refuses to brush her teeth and manages to break something.

AJ Styles & Omos (c) vs. The Viking Raiders - Raw Tag Team Championship

I've only seen Omos wrestle once (the night they won the belts). He's definitely a spectacle to look at but he moved like The Great Khali. Ok, maybe not that bad but hopefully he steps up his game. I'll be pissed if he makes AJ lose the belt. It's impossible to root against AJ. Prediction: AJ Styles & Omos

Rey & Dominik Mysterio (c) vs. The Usos - Smackdown Tag Team Championship

The Usos are legit and Dominik hasn't been a to gym despite being groomed for the position he's in. Prediction: The Usos

MITB will be the first show in a long time to have a live audience and a rowdy crowd can make a bad show entertaining. Even if the matches are lackluster, the audience will make it fun. I’m really looking forward to this show. Prediction: The crowd is the star.

Read The Dirtsheets, a dark comedy pro wrestling graphic novel, on Amazon Kindle or paperback

Michael Cruz is a casual wrestling fan who has the internet and is therefore an expert on all things wrestling.


Trapped in Kayfabe: Hell in a Cell 2021

by Michael Cruz

It’s time for another WWE pay per view. Unfortunately, I haven’t been this uninterested in a ppv in quite a while. However, I’m a sucker for wrasslin’ and will still watch it. Well, most of it, anyways. Okay, at least the main event.

Despite the conspiracy theories that claim wrestling is fixed, my picks for each match are as follows:

Hell in a Cell 2021

Bobby Lashley (c) vs. Drew McIntyre - AEW World Title, Hell in a Cell

Bobby Lashley has really suprised me as champ. Regardless, I still can't root against the man who saved Western Civilization at Wrestlemania 23. Prediction: The Almighty Bobby Lashley

Roman Reigns (c) vs. Rey Mysterio - Universal Championship, Hell in a Cell

I'm sick of WWE constantly telling us Rey and Domique are the first father-son tag team champions. Like, quit lying to us, we're not stupid.. We all know that's Eddie's kid. Reigns is the big dog and Rey is a tiny chuhauhau. Easy pick. Predition: Roman Reigns

Rhea Ripley (c) vs. Charlotte Flair - Raw Women's Championship

Don't care. I'll be putting my kid to bed this match. Prediction: We read a dinosaur book and he pees the bed.

Bianca Belair (c) vs. Bayley - Smackdown Women's Championship

Until Bianca cuts that stupid rope off her head, I will always root against her. At least Bayley is entertaining. Reluctant prediction: Bianca Belair

Alexa Bliss vs. Shayna Baszler

It's hard to not pick the girl who can summon demons. Or have magic powers. Or do whatever it is she does. Prediction: Alexa Bliss


Seth Rollins vs Cesaro

At the time of writing, this match hasn't been announced but seems likely. These guys can put up a good fight but Seth is Seth Freaking Rollins and Cesaro is... Cesaro. Prediction: Seth Rollins

I’m not sure I’ll even watch this show. Half the matches are women’s matches, which means I’ll be fast forwarding through half the PPV. The main event looks fun but I don’t really care about the rest. You know what would make this show hella more interesting? Braun Strowman Prediction: I spend three hours browsing twitter.

Read The Dirtsheets, a dark comedy pro wrestling graphic novel, on Amazon Kindle or paperback

Michael Cruz is a casual wrestling fan who has the internet and is therefore an expert on all things wrestling.


Trapped in Kayfabe: Double or Nothing 2021

by Michael Cruz

I can’t believe it’s already been three months since Eddie Kingston died saving Jon Moxley’s life during the Exploding Barbed Wire Death Match. AEW’s follow-up ppv, Double or Nothing, is this Sunday.

Despite some conspiracy theorists claiming it’s fixed, my picks for each match are as follows:

Double or Nothing 2021

Kenny Omega (c) vs. Orange Cassidy vs. Pac - AEW World Title

I watched TNA for the first time in a decade to watch Omega win their belt. The guy is killing it right now. Pac has to pin Orange Cassidy if he wants to win. I really like Orange, but I doubt he'll put in enough effort to win the match. Prediction: Kenny Omega

The Young Bucks (c) vs. Jon Moxley and Eddie Kingston - AEW Tag Team Titles

Eddie Kingston is still alive? It's a miracle! If Jon and Eddie can beat Death from the last ppv, they can beat the Young Bucks. Prediction: Jon Moxley and Eddie Kingston

Hikaru Shida (c) vs. Dr. Britt Baker D.M.D. - AEW Women’s World Championship

Not only is Dr. Baker an American, she's from Pittsburgh. Easy choice. Prediction: Britt Baker

Miro (c) vs. Lance Archer (with Jake Roberts) - TNT Title

I've hated Lance Archer since his early TNA days. It's that damn tramp stamp. When conspiracy theorists aren't busy claiming wrestling is fixed, they claim it's gay. Lance's tramp stamp doesn't help dispute that. Besides, the show falls on Rusev Day. Prediction: Miro

The Pinnacle (MJF, Wardlow, Shawn Spears, Cash Wheeler and Dax Harwood) (with Tully Blanchard) vs. The Inner Circle (Chris Jericho, Jake Hager, Sammy Guevara, Santana and Ortiz) - Stadium Stampede (If Inner Circle loses, they must disband)

wtf is a Stadium Stampede match? Regardless, Jericho always has a few tricks up his up his spiked sleeve. Prediction: The Inner Circle

Sting and Darby Allin vs. Scorpio Sky and Ethan Page

I couldn't be less interested in Scorpio Sky and the other guy. Prediction: Sting and Skateboard Sting.

Cody Rhodes (with Arn Anderson) vs. Anthony Ogogo

Anthony Ogogo per wrestlinginc: "I hate this notion that America is the greatest country in the world. ‘Land of the free’, Utter bullsh*t. Land of the free? That’s where they capture kids and stick them in cages?... Americans go, ‘America, best country in the world.’ You ain’t the best country in Northern America if you don’t even look after your citizens, if you take kids away from their parents and lock them in cages."

The only thing more worthless than a government program is a foreigner's opinion. I hope Cody turns him into a good communist. BTW, didn't Ogogo get the memo that "progressives" aren't supposed to talk about the "kids in cages" now that Biden is President? Stupid idiot. Prediction: Cody Rhodes 

Casino Battle Royal - Christian Cage vs. Matt Sydal vs. Powerhouse Hobbs vs. Evil Uno vs. Colt Cabana vs. Preston Vance vs. Jungle Boy vs. Matt Hardy vs. Marq Quen vs. Isiah Kassidy vs. Penta El Zero Miedo vs. TBA

I don't know who most of those people are. I don't care. Prediction: TBA

“Hangman” Adam Page vs. Brian Cage (with Taz)

How is it even physically possible for anyone to beat Brian Cage? Prediction: Brian Cage

This is going to be a good show. Nine matches and only one women’s match (take note WWE). The thing I’m looking forward to most is the live crowd, which is just as important as any wrestler inside the ring. Prediction: Aside from having acommie on my television, Double or Nothing is going to be fun.

Read The Dirtsheets, a dark comedy pro wrestling graphic novel, on Amazon Kindle or paperback

Michael Cruz is a casual wrestling fan who has the internet and is therefore an expert on all things wrestling.


Trapped in Kayfabe: Wrestlemania 37

by Michael Cruz

This weekend is Wrestlemania, making this weekend my favorite of the year. Despite some conspiracy theorists claiming it’s fixed, my picks for each match are as follows:

WrestleMania 37 Night 1

Bobby Lashley (c) vs Drew McIntyre - WWE Championship Match

It's hard to root against Bobby Lashley ever since 2016 when it became apparent that he may have saved western civilization during the Battle of the Billionaires at Wrestlemania 23. If he lost that match, would Donald Trump have become President? Doubtful.  Also, Bobby is American. Drew is not. Easy choice. My pick: Bobby Lashley

Sasha Banks (c) vs Bianca Belair - SmackDown Women's Championship Match

Sasha Banks is one of my son's favorite wrestlers. Bianca has the dumbest hair style for a contact sport I've ever seen. Easy choice. My pick: Sasha Banks

Bad Bunny & Damian Priest vs. The Miz & John Morrison

I have no idea who Bad Bunny is. I guess he makes music? I'm too old to know, or care. There's no way a musician with no professional wrestling experience could beat wrestlers as accomplished as Miz and Morrison, but celebrities always have a way of miraculously picking up a win a Wrestlemania. My choice: Miz & Morrison. My prediction: Bad Bunny & Damian Priest.

Cesaro vs. Seth Rollins

These guys are feuding? Cesaro is an aging tag-team guy and Seth Rollins is a younger multi-time world champion. My pick: Seth Rollins

The New Day(c) vs AJ Styles & Omos - Raw Tag Team Championship Match

I don't care who he's wrestling, I always cheer for AJ Styles and his beautiful hair.  Easy choice. Verdict: AJ Styles & that giant black guy

Braun Strowman vs Shane McMahon - Steel Cage Match

Braun Strowman is a monster among men and world champion material. Shane McMahon is in his fifties and wrestles once a year. Braun is also my son's favorite wrestler. Easy choice. Verdict: Braun Strowman

Naomi & Lana vs. Mandy Rose & Dana Brooke vs. The Riott Squad vs. Natalya & Tamina - Tag Team Turmoil Match

Lana is the best looking woman in this match by far. Easy choice. My pick: Lana & whoever her partner is

WrestleMania 37 Night 2

Roman Reigns (c) vs Edge vs Daniel Bryan - Universal Championship Triple Threat Match

This match is main eventing Wrestlemania, as it should. All three are great wrestlers, but Edge is old and Bryan is past his prime, whereas Roman Reigns is in his. Having Paul Heyman and an Uso at ringside can't hurt either. I'm only hesitant to pick Reigns as the winner because coincidentally, jerks never win the main event. My pick: Roman Reigns. My prediction: Edge

The Fiend vs. Randy Orton

Remember when Randy Orton faced Bray Wyatt at Wrestlemania 33 and Orton was repulsed when worms were projected onto the ring during the match? I wish I didn't either. My pick: The Fiend.

Big E (c) vs Apollo Crews - Intercontinental Championship Nigerian Drum Fight Match

wtf is a Nigerian Drum Fight Match? My pick: Apollo Crews by coin-toss

Riddle (c) vs Sheamus - United States Championship Match

Sheamus has a great career in reverse, so he's due for a Wrestlemania loss. This match is Riddle's if he can stay sober enough. Verdict: Matt Riddle

Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn

I prefer this be a "You're Fired" match and KO wins. My pick: Kevin Owens

Shayna Baszler & Nia Jax vs. the winner of the Tag Team Turmoil Match from Night 1 - WWE Women's Tag Team Title Match

Winner: My bladder.

In celebration of Mania, we’re giving away Richie Richards’ pro wrestling graphic novel, The Dirtsheets: Volume 1, free on Kindle all weekend long. Get it here.

Michael Cruz is a casual wrestling fan who has the internet and is therefore an expert on all things wrestling.