Category: blog

Trapped in Kayfabe: Elimination Chamber 2023

By Cornelius Cruise

WWE heads into communist territory for the Elimination Chamber pay per view. Predictions:

Bobby Lashley vs. Brock Lesnar

Nobody can beat Brock Lesnar. Not even the guy that got Donald Trump elected President. Sorry, Bobby. Prediction: We see at least 10 spears 

Edge & Beth Phoenix vs. Finn Balor & Rhea Ripley

If I wanted to watch men and women compete against eachother, I would watch college swimming instead. Mixed matches are dumb. Prediction: Edge

Raquel Rodriguez vs Liv Morgan vs. Nikki Cross vs. Asuka vs. Natalya, Elimination Chamber Match (Raw Womens Contendership)

This entire match should be replaced with a five minute Carmella vs Liv Morgan match. Prediction: It's better than this year's Rumble but worse than a Bra-and-Panties Match.

Austin Theory (c) vs. Seth Rollins vs. Johnny Gargano vs. Bronson Reed vs. Damian Priest vs. Montez Ford, Elimination Chamber Match (United States Championship)

Never heard of Bronson Reed before, but he can't be as annoying as Montez Ford. Prediction: Austin Theory

Roman Reigns vs. Sami Zayn, Undisputed WWE Universal Championship


Montreal is going to love Sami. They're also going to hate when Roman spears him in half. Suck it, Canada. Prediction: Big Dog retains

It’s hard to get excited about a card without Gunther but Bobby/Brock and Sami/Roman could save the show. The crowd will be wild for Zayn, but watching Reigns piss off a bunch of Godless commies will be hilarious. Prediction: I sleep better than Sami Zayn tonight.

Read The Dirtsheets, a dark comedy pro wrestling graphic novel, on Amazon Kindle or paperback

Cornelius Cruise has the internet and is therefore an expert on professional wrestling.

Trapped in Kayfabe: Hell in a Cell 2022

by Michael Cruz

Kevin Owens

Last year’s HIAC may have been the worst show of the year. This year, Roman Reigns isn’t even on the card. Oof. Hell in a Cell 2022 Predictions:

Cody Rhodes vs. Seth Rollins, Hell in a Cell Match

This third match should finally settle the score. I'm just happy there will be no outside interference or  any way to leave the enclosed cage to ensure a fair and decisive for the eventual winner. Prediction: The American Nightmare

Bianca Belair (c) vs. Asuka vs. Becky Lynch (Raw Women's Championship)

Still can't get over how stupid Bianca's hair is. Prediction: I finish the dishes from the rest of the show.

Bobby Lashley vs. Omos & MVP 

Still rooting for the guy who made Donald Trump President. Prediction: Bobby Lashley


Finn Balor, AJ Styles & Liv Morgan vs. The Judgment Day.

Intergender matches are dumb. Prediction: Liv Morgan tags in and Damian Priest beats the shit out of her for twenty minutes because she's one-hundred pound woman and he's a jacked demon. jk. The Judgement Day gets a pin.

Austin Theory (c) vs. Mustafa Ali, US Championship

Wish this was a "You're Fired" match instead. Prediction: Theory

Ezekiel vs. Kevin Owens

Kevin needs to back off the Ezekeiel-Elias conspiracy theories, the guy has lost it. Ezekiel is a stand-up guy who wants to represent his family. Who can't get behind that?  Prediction: Ezekiel (who is obviously not his brother, Elias)

Happy Corbin vs. Madcap Moss (No Holds Barred)


These matches aren't repairing their friendship and you just hate to see it. Prediction: Madcap Moss


So the Hell in a Cell pay per view features one HIAC match, 1 1/2 women’s matches, no Roman Reigns and 0 Elias’. Nothing here looks too remarkable but should be an entertaining show. Prediction: Ezekiel is the highlight of the night.

Read The Dirtsheets, a dark comedy pro wrestling graphic novel, on Amazon Kindle or paperback

Michael Cruz has the internet and is therefore an expert on professional wrestling.


Trapped in Kayfabe: Backlash 2022

by Michael Cruz

It’s time for Backlash, our first post-Wrestlemania pay-per-view. As usual, we can expect a bunch of Mania rematches so there’s nothing too ground breaking here. However, Mania was awesome, so let’s do this. My picks:

Cody Rhodes vs. Seth Rollins

It's still too soon to get over that tattoo. Prediction: Seth Freakin Rollins

Charlotte Flair (c) vs. Ronda Rousey, "I Quit" Match

Only one women's match? Nice. Prediction: Ronda Rousey

Drew McIntyre & RK-Bro vs. Roman Reigns & The Usos

I don't care who he's facing, nobody can beat Roman. Nobody. Prediction: The Bloodline

AJ Styles vs. Edge

AJ keeps losing friends and Edge keeps making them. Bad move in this sport. Prediction: Edge

Bobby Lashley vs. Omos

If it weren't for Bobby Lashley, Hillary Clinton would be President importing the entirety of South America into our country. Prediction: Bobby Lashley

Happy Corbin vs. Madcap Moss

It's hard to believe these two guys were such close friends just a month ago. Hopefully this match will settle their differences and they can be best buds again. Prediction: Madcap Moss


So overall there is one only women’s match and no Bianca Belair. That’s enough to make Backlash a decent show. Prediction: I enjoy it but forget about the show just like every other Backlash.

Read The Dirtsheets, a dark comedy pro wrestling graphic novel, on Amazon Kindle or paperback

Michael Cruz is a casual wrestling fan who has the internet and is therefore an expert on all things wrestling.


Trapped in Kayfabe: Crown Jewel 2021

by Michael Cruz

Ah yes, Crown Jewel. The Wrestlemania-quality event that nobody seems to really care about. Maybe because it’s a Thursday afternoon? Maybe because it’s in Saudi Arabia? Maybe because it’s paid for with royal oil money? I don’t know, but this is the first time I’m watching any Crown Jewel. Let’s check out the card:

Roman Reigns (c) vs. Brock Lesnar, Universal Champion Championship

This match was supposed to main event Wrestlemania 36 but the Saudis get it instead. Better late than never. I don't even care who wins, the three guys involved are three of the GOATS. Prediction: Everybody wins

Big E (c) vs. Drew McIntyre, WWE Championship

In the words of my five year old son, "If I ever saw the worst wrestler ever, Big E would be even worse." We're an anti-Big E household after that line. Prediction: Drew McIntyre

Goldberg vs. Bobby Lashley (No Holds Barred)

Are Jews even allowed to wrestle in Saudi Arabia? Prediction: Bobby Lashley

Edge vs. Seth Rollins (Hell in a Cell)

I'm leaning towards the guy fifteen years his opponent's junior and without the spinal surgery. Prediction: Seth Freakin' Rollins

RK-Bro vs. AJ Styles & Omos, WWE Raw Tag Team Championship

There's a good chance Matt Riddle will be arrested, jailed and whipped for possession upon landing in Saudi Arabia. Prediction: AJ Styles & Omos

Mansoor vs. Mustafa Ali

As if the only Saudi on the roster is going to lose. Prediction: Mansoor

Doudrop vs. Zelina Vega, Queen's Crown Tournament Finals

Zelina weights eight pounds. Prediction: The fat chick

Finn Balor vs. Xavier Woods, King of the Ring Finals

Please send Finn back to NXT. Prediction: Finn doesn't make an entrance with his gay cheerleaders


Nine matches and only one is a woman’s match? Nice. Maybe Saudi Arabia isn’t so bad after all. The rest of the show looks good too. I’m especially looking forward Brock vs Roman. Prediction: Nobody mentions Saudi ties to 9/11

Read The Dirtsheets, a dark comedy pro wrestling graphic novel, on Amazon Kindle or paperback

Michael Cruz is a casual wrestling fan who has the internet and is therefore an expert on all things wrestling.

ABC Degeneracy: An Alphabet Book for Degenerates, now on Amazon.

Trapped in Kayfabe: WWE Extreme Rules 2021

I like the guy with the cross.

by Michael Cruz

My picks for Extreme Rules:

Roman Reigns (c) vs. “The Demon” Finn Bálor, Universal Champion Championship

Remember when Finn Balor made his Wrestlemania entrance with all those gay flags? lol. Prediction: The Big Dog

Charlotte Flair (c) vs. Alexa Bliss, Raw Women’s Championship

Alexa is the best looking chick on the show, so why put her in the creepy makeup? Stupid. Prediction: Alexa Bliss

Becky Lynch (c) vs. Bianca Belair, SmackDown Women’s Championship

In a sport where everything is dumb, wrestling with a five foot pony tail might be the dumbest idea yet. Prediction: My bathroom break doesn't take long enough.

Damian Priest (c) vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Sheamus, United States Championship


I'm pretty sure Damian Priest is Satan. Likewise, Sheamus sports crosses. Obviously I want Sheamus to win, but I think Priest pins Hardy. Prediction: Satan

The Usos (c) vs. The Street Profits, SmackDown Tag Team Championship Match

The skinny (by wrestling standards) guy annoys the shit out of me even more than the Usos' bizarre hood accent. Prediction: Usos

Liv Morgan vs. Carmella

So 3 out of 6 matches this show are women's matches? Prediction: I put my kids to bed without a fight because they think this show sucks too.


Wowza. I haven’t been this uninterested in a PPV since Hell in a Cell, way back in June. WWE has been hit or miss lately. This month is a big miss. I just want my monthly wrestling fix but instead we get three women’s matches and a bunch of jabronis I don’t care about. If WWE wants me to stay interested, I suggest they feature better male wrestlers. Prediction: I fall asleep before the main event.

Read The Dirtsheets, a dark comedy pro wrestling graphic novel, on Amazon Kindle or paperback

Michael Cruz is a casual wrestling fan who has the internet and is therefore an expert on all things wrestling.

ABC Degeneracy: An Alphabet Book for Degenerates, available on Amazon October 8

Trapped in Kayfabe: All Out 2021

by Michael Cruz

My picks for AEW All Out:

CM Punk vs. Darby Allin

Punk hasn't wrestled in seven years(!) but he was the best the world. Darby Allin only weighs about 17 pounds. Prediction: CM Punk

Kenny Omega (c) vs. Christian Cage - AEW World Championship

Kenny is too good. Christian is too old. Prediction: Kenny Omega

Dr. Britt Baker (c) vs. Kris Statlander - AEW Women's World Championship


As a Pittsburgher, I'm compelled to like to Britt Baker. Prediction: Britt Baker

The Young Bucks (c) vs. Lucha Bros - AEW World Tag Team Championship, Steel Cage Match


This will be the best match of the night. The Lucha Bros are awesome, but crazy. Too crazy for their own good. Prediction: The Young Bucks

Paul Wight vs. QT Marshall

I don't watch enough to know who QT Marshall is. Regardless, Wight is literally a giant. Prediction: The Big Show.

Jon Moxley vs. Satoshi Kojima

Again, never heard of Satoshi Kojima. Apparently he's Japanese. America first. Prediction: Mox

Chris Jericho vs. MJF, Final Fight

So if MJF wins, Chris Jericho leaves the company. As much as I like Y2J, I think MJF has some dirty tricks up his scarf. Prediction: MJF

Miro (c) vs. Eddie Kingston - TNT Championship

Eddie is likely to pass out from listening to Miro's pyro. Prediction: Miro

Matt Hardy Private Party vs. The Best Friends and Jurassic Express

My son is obsessed with dinosaurs, so Luchasaurus and Jungle Boy are his favorite wrestlers right now. I like The Best Friends. After all, how can you not like a couple of dudes who are best friends living the dream? Prediction: Jungle Boy ftw

Women's Casino Royale

On AEW's advertisement for this match, they feature 19 women and one dude pretending to be a woman front and center. lol. Prediction: I change the channel.
one of these is not like the others

AEW always puts on a good pay per view. The crowd during Punk’s match will be nuts. Prediction: Tonight will be fun.

Read The Dirtsheets, a dark comedy pro wrestling graphic novel, on Amazon Kindle or paperback

Michael Cruz is a casual wrestling fan who has the internet and is therefore an expert on all things wrestling.


Trapped in Kayfabe: Money in the Bank 2021

by Michael Cruz

Following last month’s weak pay-per-view, WWE is rebounding with Money in the Bank. It looks like a good show. My picks for each match:

Money in the Bank 2021

Bobby Lashley (c) vs. Kofi Kingston - WWE Championship

Bobby is jacked. Real jacked. Kofi has muscles that go inward. Prediction: The savior of western civilization, Bobby Lashley

Roman Reigns (c) vs. Edge - Universal Championship

Roman is the best in the world and Edge is pushing 50. Sorry, Edge. Prediction: The Big Dog

Women's Money in the Bank Match

I really wish Alexa Bliss didn't wear that creepy makeup. Save that for one of the ugly chicks. Asuka needs to ditch the green paint too. Prediction: Alexa Bliss

Men's Money in the Bank Match

This has match of the night potential. I like a lot of these wrestlers and Kevin Owens is always eager to kill himself when tall things are around. Matt Riddle is really growing on me too. Prediction: Big E

Rhea Ripley (c) vs. Charlotte Flair - Raw Women's Championship

I'll be putting my kids to bed during this match. Prediction: My daughter refuses to brush her teeth and manages to break something.

AJ Styles & Omos (c) vs. The Viking Raiders - Raw Tag Team Championship

I've only seen Omos wrestle once (the night they won the belts). He's definitely a spectacle to look at but he moved like The Great Khali. Ok, maybe not that bad but hopefully he steps up his game. I'll be pissed if he makes AJ lose the belt. It's impossible to root against AJ. Prediction: AJ Styles & Omos

Rey & Dominik Mysterio (c) vs. The Usos - Smackdown Tag Team Championship

The Usos are legit and Dominik hasn't been a to gym despite being groomed for the position he's in. Prediction: The Usos

MITB will be the first show in a long time to have a live audience and a rowdy crowd can make a bad show entertaining. Even if the matches are lackluster, the audience will make it fun. I’m really looking forward to this show. Prediction: The crowd is the star.

Read The Dirtsheets, a dark comedy pro wrestling graphic novel, on Amazon Kindle or paperback

Michael Cruz is a casual wrestling fan who has the internet and is therefore an expert on all things wrestling.


Trapped in Kayfabe: Hell in a Cell 2021

by Michael Cruz

It’s time for another WWE pay per view. Unfortunately, I haven’t been this uninterested in a ppv in quite a while. However, I’m a sucker for wrasslin’ and will still watch it. Well, most of it, anyways. Okay, at least the main event.

Despite the conspiracy theories that claim wrestling is fixed, my picks for each match are as follows:

Hell in a Cell 2021

Bobby Lashley (c) vs. Drew McIntyre - AEW World Title, Hell in a Cell

Bobby Lashley has really suprised me as champ. Regardless, I still can't root against the man who saved Western Civilization at Wrestlemania 23. Prediction: The Almighty Bobby Lashley

Roman Reigns (c) vs. Rey Mysterio - Universal Championship, Hell in a Cell

I'm sick of WWE constantly telling us Rey and Domique are the first father-son tag team champions. Like, quit lying to us, we're not stupid.. We all know that's Eddie's kid. Reigns is the big dog and Rey is a tiny chuhauhau. Easy pick. Predition: Roman Reigns

Rhea Ripley (c) vs. Charlotte Flair - Raw Women's Championship

Don't care. I'll be putting my kid to bed this match. Prediction: We read a dinosaur book and he pees the bed.

Bianca Belair (c) vs. Bayley - Smackdown Women's Championship

Until Bianca cuts that stupid rope off her head, I will always root against her. At least Bayley is entertaining. Reluctant prediction: Bianca Belair

Alexa Bliss vs. Shayna Baszler

It's hard to not pick the girl who can summon demons. Or have magic powers. Or do whatever it is she does. Prediction: Alexa Bliss


Seth Rollins vs Cesaro

At the time of writing, this match hasn't been announced but seems likely. These guys can put up a good fight but Seth is Seth Freaking Rollins and Cesaro is... Cesaro. Prediction: Seth Rollins

I’m not sure I’ll even watch this show. Half the matches are women’s matches, which means I’ll be fast forwarding through half the PPV. The main event looks fun but I don’t really care about the rest. You know what would make this show hella more interesting? Braun Strowman Prediction: I spend three hours browsing twitter.

Read The Dirtsheets, a dark comedy pro wrestling graphic novel, on Amazon Kindle or paperback

Michael Cruz is a casual wrestling fan who has the internet and is therefore an expert on all things wrestling.