Trapped in Kayfabe: Crown Jewel 2021

by Michael Cruz

Ah yes, Crown Jewel. The Wrestlemania-quality event that nobody seems to really care about. Maybe because it’s a Thursday afternoon? Maybe because it’s in Saudi Arabia? Maybe because it’s paid for with royal oil money? I don’t know, but this is the first time I’m watching any Crown Jewel. Let’s check out the card:

Roman Reigns (c) vs. Brock Lesnar, Universal Champion Championship

This match was supposed to main event Wrestlemania 36 but the Saudis get it instead. Better late than never. I don't even care who wins, the three guys involved are three of the GOATS. Prediction: Everybody wins

Big E (c) vs. Drew McIntyre, WWE Championship

In the words of my five year old son, "If I ever saw the worst wrestler ever, Big E would be even worse." We're an anti-Big E household after that line. Prediction: Drew McIntyre

Goldberg vs. Bobby Lashley (No Holds Barred)

Are Jews even allowed to wrestle in Saudi Arabia? Prediction: Bobby Lashley

Edge vs. Seth Rollins (Hell in a Cell)

I'm leaning towards the guy fifteen years his opponent's junior and without the spinal surgery. Prediction: Seth Freakin' Rollins

RK-Bro vs. AJ Styles & Omos, WWE Raw Tag Team Championship

There's a good chance Matt Riddle will be arrested, jailed and whipped for possession upon landing in Saudi Arabia. Prediction: AJ Styles & Omos

Mansoor vs. Mustafa Ali

As if the only Saudi on the roster is going to lose. Prediction: Mansoor

Doudrop vs. Zelina Vega, Queen's Crown Tournament Finals

Zelina weights eight pounds. Prediction: The fat chick

Finn Balor vs. Xavier Woods, King of the Ring Finals

Please send Finn back to NXT. Prediction: Finn doesn't make an entrance with his gay cheerleaders

Nine matches and only one is a woman’s match? Nice. Maybe Saudi Arabia isn’t so bad after all. The rest of the show looks good too. I’m especially looking forward Brock vs Roman. Prediction: Nobody mentions Saudi ties to 9/11