By Cornelius Cruise

WWE heads into communist territory for the Elimination Chamber pay per view. Predictions:

Bobby Lashley vs. Brock Lesnar

Nobody can beat Brock Lesnar. Not even the guy that got Donald Trump elected President. Sorry, Bobby. Prediction: We see at least 10 spears 

Edge & Beth Phoenix vs. Finn Balor & Rhea Ripley

If I wanted to watch men and women compete against eachother, I would watch college swimming instead. Mixed matches are dumb. Prediction: Edge

Raquel Rodriguez vs Liv Morgan vs. Nikki Cross vs. Asuka vs. Natalya, Elimination Chamber Match (Raw Womens Contendership)

This entire match should be replaced with a five minute Carmella vs Liv Morgan match. Prediction: It's better than this year's Rumble but worse than a Bra-and-Panties Match.

Austin Theory (c) vs. Seth Rollins vs. Johnny Gargano vs. Bronson Reed vs. Damian Priest vs. Montez Ford, Elimination Chamber Match (United States Championship)

Never heard of Bronson Reed before, but he can't be as annoying as Montez Ford. Prediction: Austin Theory

Roman Reigns vs. Sami Zayn, Undisputed WWE Universal Championship


Montreal is going to love Sami. They're also going to hate when Roman spears him in half. Suck it, Canada. Prediction: Big Dog retains

It’s hard to get excited about a card without Gunther but Bobby/Brock and Sami/Roman could save the show. The crowd will be wild for Zayn, but watching Reigns piss off a bunch of Godless commies will be hilarious. Prediction: I sleep better than Sami Zayn tonight.